The Butterfly Effect

Updated: Jan 12

I want to start this off by saying to all the womxn, and of course men too who have been through anything, it breaks my heart to hear the stories but because of your strength am I able to share this. 

Its taken me a while to put this down as it took me a while to even grasp that I was in an abusive relationship let alone accept it and share it. Ive also felt extremely anxious and afraid to share it as im unsure if other than 3-4 people - anyone will understand this. But I came to realise its not about understanding anymore, this is my truth and yes I was ashamed this happened to me but Im growing from it and becoming a better person and hence dont need to be ashamed of anything. The time felt right and I had to do it. 

This piece is not to meant to blame anyone - infact I would like to even write from the perspective of the abuser - but this is just my truth and I stand by it. I still have immense respect for this person hence it took be this long to accept it & be open about it. But where respect is not given back, it makes no sense for me to continue to show any. 

Mental abuse and abusive relationships are more common than we think, amongst friends, elders etc.; I only realised when I realised my truth. It is extremely hard to pull yourself out of one and although it starts with societal conditions and lack of necessary awareness and education it CAN be stopped if spotted and a lot of damage can be saved. 

Here's my story.. #metoo 

L o v e - story of my first love and then my second, the one that will stay. 

All my life I had thought love was to be got from an external being and it was essential. It was shown in the movies, the cartoons; everywhere. It was almost engraved in our heads that we need a significant other to complete us or we are not complete. It was conditioned into us that love IS necessary from another human that we start searching for this when we're barely teenagers. 

As a teenager I suffered from being severely insecure, bullied, I hated myself, I didnt want to live most of the time, I wished and longed for approval and self love was a concept I didnt even know existed. I saw others and wondered why I wasn't like them; I felt excluded & useless almost all the time. I saw all the pretty girls have many boys like them when all boys did to me was make fun of me. On the outside I smiled, but my world inside was dark. In my own dark world somehow I found this ray of light. As I sat quietly on the side of the bus everyday, sad, wishing, day dreaming, on how I can be “perfect” like others, a stranger came by and made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Happy. It started of innocent and it was literally like I was in a fairytale. I felt such happiness I had never felt before; I was so happy that when I heard I was diagnosed with cancer the next month, I shed my first tear because I wouldn't be close to them for a while now. 

Somehow we are not taught the concept that love and happiness are things we can very much give ourselves, yet we are encouraged to be dependent on others sometimes resulting in self destruction.  

So, I fel